One Year Anniversary (Part 1)

Sunday was my one year anniversary in Georgia. A lot has happened in this past year. Pluto is no longer a planet. The crocodile hunter died. James Brown, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jerry Falwell also died. Italy won the World Cup (this may be news for those of you in America). There was fighting in the Middle East. I learned a new language, found myself in four different countries, carved and ate a pig's head, rode in a Soviet army jeep, and taught small children how to speak the most ridiculous language in the world.

I have been sick (with fever) for 2 of my 368 days in Georgia. I have had funny facial hair for some greater number of days. I'm greatly disappointed to report that I look exactly the same. I gained 15 pounds over 9 months and then lost them all during April and May. I have learned that sunflower seeds are an acceptable full dinner, that sitting on cold concrete makes women sterile, and that, just like in Hamlet, wine must be drunk to the bottom of the cup, not sipped to enjoy. Unlike in Hamlet, and to the disdain of livers everywhere, this custom is more honored in the observance than in the breach.

I have hiked to the top of a mountain translated as "Pig's Snout," said a word that begins with 8 consonants, and realized that the phrase "she is pretty ugly" confuses all of my students. I've taught what a mullet is, what pigtails are (my female students apparently don't like the name in English; none of them wear pigtails anymore...), and the word "unibrow." I have become famous beyond my wildest imagination. I have signed autographs, kissed babies, appeared on national television, posed for photographs, and recorded a top-selling single. And only one of those isn't true.

I have become an expert on nearly everything. Who can fix televisions? The American. Who is the school's expert on Georgian geography? Inexcusably, that's me as well. Who knows whether or not eskimos are human? Right here. Is Africa a city? I'm your guy. However, despite all of these things that only I know the answers to, I have indeed gotten stupider. For those of you who have met me I'm sure this is hard for you to believe. But, alas, it is true. My English has gone from bad to terrible. I have completely forgotten my Spanish. I recently played scrabble and almost lost to a non-native speaker. I cannot answer any of my students' questions about America.

Q: Who is Britney Spears dating?
A: Justing Timberlake, I think.
Q: Do you like [insert recently popular singer here]?
A: Who?
Q: Does it rain a lot in America?
A: Well, it depends. In some states...(my students interrupt)Tim, this answer is taking too long. Tell us about Britney Spears.
Q: Tim, what is a P.I.M.P.?
A: Ummm...
Q: What does "smack that" mean?
A: It means high-5.

So, America, this is what we are exporting. I just thought you should know.

I will post part 2 of my one year anniversary post, which might actually be funny, sometime later this week. It will also include the things that I do that might, at some point in the very distant future, convince someone to give me a job with a real salary. Like the time I ran into the Black Sea that one night in January wearing somebody else's clothes...